You may remember from previous blog posts that I have a favourite person in Scotland. Her name is Shelf because she used to have HH tits. In lieu of her breast reduction my father has kindly taken to calling her sill, like windowsill.

In a move that broke mine and my mother’s hearts (our mums are best friends) her family made the sane decision to leave the bitter north for pastures new and have settled in sunny Hampshire. This leaves me with one less person to huddle in a corner with at hideous Christmas drinks and with no option but to spend all of my time this Christmas in the company of my family.

 In order to gird my loins before these impending festivities, Shelf and I decided to don our glad rags and hit Electric house. The thought of two weeks with my parents is always greatly helped by copious amounts of wine.

 Within minutes we were thunder cunted. I had decided to forgo food in order to avoid having a rib removed before I squeeze myself into a wedding outfit next week. Shelf decided to forgo food in solidarity, and to make the wine work quicker. Before long, the seal was broken and we were running back and forth from the loo like bulimic coke addicts.

 That’s when we noticed that Shelf had an admirer. And he looked very familiar. After she had been ogled for the third time as she stumbled back from the bathrooms I finally clicked. Shelf was being ogled by none other than one named ex of Heidi Klum, Seal. Once we had recovered from the fact that this definitely  made her as sexy as Heidi Klum we decided to make our move. Dashing after him to the smoking area, I was suddenly made aware of how painfully awkward this situation had become.

 Seal introduced himself, I mumbled awkwardly that I knew who he was and hummed a couple of bars from Kiss from a Rose. Shelf had the audacity to pretend she didn’t know he was!

 ‘Sorry what was your name? Seal?’

 Obviously Seal thought that was really refreshing and that I was some sort of mad, warbling Seal super fan. I slunk into the shadows to exchange photos of him being eaten by great white sharks with my boyfriend. When I returned I found that seal was standing very close to shelf with some headphones in, listening to music on her phone. Her brother is a musician and she thought she was ready to flirt him all the way to the top. To my astonishment, he offered out his e mail address and invited her back to his recording studio. I was still looking at this:


When I eventually pried her from his flippers her ghastly French squeeze had arrived and all hell was about to break loose. I went to a house party and lost all of my things, but that’s another story.

If there’s one thing I will give Seal, he is true to his word. He replied to Shelf’s brother’s e mail and said,

“Yes. I remember meeting your sister. Tell her I said hi.”