I would never be so bold as to describe this blog as a ‘lifestyle blog’ because it’s far from aspirational, but I have to admit that I had a pretty smug weekend. I’ve been a bit poorly so have found myself in enforced sobriety for a while. If you’re wondering why I’m always ill, I am convinced its because I’m an 80s baby and my mother smoked like a chimney when she was pregnant.

This weekend I went to no nightclubs, woke up in no gutters and have thus far not suffered a single shame attack. I’ve changed. Yesterday I made like every other middle class person in Hackney and rode my bike to Broadway Market. Never have I felt more like the face of gentrification. Because my best mate and I are incomparably cool we have matching bicycles and when we ride them together I get so excited I get Taylor Swift tourettes, screeching lines from various songs at passing pedestrians. I think its the only way I know how to vocalise wholesomeness. 

Naturally I had to lower the tone at some point, probably when I downed a cystitis sachet with my brunch…

I’ve been off work with yet another kidney infection and am doing everything in my power not to get another one. I’m particularly annoyed as I had an operation last month in a bid to stop them happening but clearly it hasn’t worked. Nothing says disappointment like finding out you were spit roasted by a catheter at 9am to no avail. When I awoke from the anaesthetic the nurse had to tell me to stop dancing as I might hurt myself. I then asked her whose party we were at and where my friend Anna was. Naturally I thought we were at a rave.

Immediately afterwards the man in the next door bed to mine woke up and screamed: ‘I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want to go through with the procedure.’ That’s one vasectomy that will be being swiftly reversed. 

After my delicious brunch and less delicious cranberry sachet, my friend and I met up with our friend Tommy to browse the cheese counter. We also acquired another middle class accessory, a Boston terrier. Her name is Patty and she is adorable. She is also a man magnet. Single ladies, take note. 

After parading Patty, I went on a sober pub trip and hosted a sober dinner party. I hate myself for being so boring but I have got an Edinburgh show to write. Its at 7.30pm in the Monkey Cellar in case you’re wondering and is running for the whole of August. 

PLEASE COME! DON’T MAKE ME PERFORM TO AN EMPTY ROOM! My mum has offered bed and board to anyone willing to watch me. Now that sounds like an offer you can’t refuse…