YOUR EYES DO NOT DECEIVE YOU…That is in fact, my face, obscured by a giant black penis. How has she attached it? Some may ask, others may be asking just plain why?!? You’re about to find out.
One cold lonely day at university last year, boredom got the better of me and I decided to entertain my friend by going into my more liberal housemates room and taking a photograph of myself holding all of her sex toys whilst putting on a face akin to a leery old grandad. I had expected the standard attire… a lot of outfits, perhaps a whip, but what I found was so much better.
I left the offending article on the kitchen table and awaited (pseudonyms are used to protect identities) Rosie’s return.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY CHILDO ON THE TABLE?!?!
A childo you say??? Whatever could that mean…Oh god it goes on your chin, it actually goes on your chin while he’s…Oh god that’s awful!
WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN THAT DRAWER?!?
I was er…you know, going to take a picture of myself leering, covered in sex toys and send it to Georgia in the library…
Half a bottle of wine later…Can I try it on? It is clean isn’t it…right, good, well i’ve got to give this bad boy a go. And there I found myself, standing in my kitchen on a wednesday night, with a dick strapped to my chin. I had forgotten about the photo until I went through, checking there were no incriminating photos of me that might put off potential employers.
Is it possible that the childo is what has rendered me entirely incapable of entering into gainful employment?